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Two Mums and their twin daughters

To celebrate Pride Month, we are focussing on the experiences of LGBTQ couples and their journey to parenthood. We caught up with Jess and Molly to talk about how they became the proud parents of beautiful twin girls this year.

At what point in your relationship did you decide that you wanted to start a family?

It was on about our second date! Joking aside, having children was something I always knew I wanted in my future. For me, a partner who didn’t want children would have been an immediate deal breaker. As such, when we started dating it was one of the first topics of conversation for us and we always knew parenthood was on the cards. Luckily, my wife Molly felt the same. We had always both wanted to be mums, and in particular we both wanted to make memories with a big family.

What obstacles did you anticipate in that journey towards parenthood?

As with any same sex couple there were always challenges we knew we would have to face. Primarily we were conscious of the cost implications, the time it would take to conceive, understanding the process itself and how to go about fertility treatment.

And were those anticipations correct? What actual obstacles did you encounter?

We didn’t encounter too many obstacles en route to getting pregnant, especially since we were fortunate enough to be in a position to privately fund our fertility treatment. However, we spent 18 months trying ICI* from home without success, that was definitely frustrating and expensive. But once we embarked on our IVF journey we found it relatively straightforward.

*Intracervical insemination (ICI) is the injection of semen into the cervix with a needleless syringe. ICI is the easiest and most common insemination technique and can be self-administered (DIY) at home. However, it tends to have lower success rates than IUI (intrauterine insemination) preformed in a clinic.

Were there any surprises?

We should have known better about the low success rates of DIY ICI compared to the high success rates for IVF, so that was a surprise. Also, following the failure of ICI and our decision to use IVF, it was a surprise how long it took from our first IVF consultation to actually starting a cycle. As you can imagine, we were VERY impatient by that point!

So how did you address these surprises?

With time, patience and unfortunately a lot of money. We ended up doing 7 cycles of ICI using donor sperm shipped to us privately, and one full cycle of IVF using donor sperm in a UK fertility clinic.

And how did you choose the sperm donor?

That was one of the easy things! We sourced our donor through the fertility clinic we used. We gave our physical characteristics and were then given a choice of three donors to pick from so as simple as can be really.

What decisions did you make as a female couple, such as to who would carry the children?

Firstly we ensured we were married* before embarking on any fertility treatment as that guarantees both of us are legal mothers of the children without a need for one of us to adopt. As for who carried the children we simply decided based on age. I’m older so it made sense for me to go first. It’ll be Molly’s turn next!

*Note: Legalisation to allow same-sex marriage came into force in the UK in 2014

Did you consider using your partner’s eggs?

We didn’t feel this was necessary for us. From our perspective DNA does not make a parent. Love and nurture do. It just didn’t seem necessary to complicate the treatment further or put additional strain on our bodies, by completing an egg transfer across partners.

So would you recommend the route you took?

Personally, having spent 18 months disappointed, particularly using frozen sperm and the strain that repeated failure can put on a couple is significant.

But in terms of using a UK clinic, I would always recommend our clinic and our process. That’s not to say it was easy. It wasn’t easy at any point. But we currently have two perfect children from the process and as such I wouldn’t change a thing!

Do you think that your needs as a same sex couple were properly catered for?

We were never made to feel in any way different from a heterosexual couple undertaking fertility treatment either by our private facility or by the NHS during our pregnancy. I feel like we were definitely understood and accepted.

What were the major highs and lows for both of you during treatment?

The major high was finding out we were pregnant with twins and laughing together through some of the tougher times, if definitely brought us closer together. The major lows were 7 failed cycles, dwindling bank balances, and our hearts breaking with impatience during the process. Another issue was the constant pressure from family and friends about when are you going to have kids when we were already trying really hard!

What helped you on your roller coaster?

The strength of our relationship, our vision for the future, a few select friends we shared elements of our journey with and wine, but in in moderation and never in our two week waiting window.

How did you feel when you realised you were having twins?

We were somewhat expecting it as we implanted two embryos, but really we just were overjoyed. There were a lot of happy tears. At the moment of knowing there were also some additional nervous tears of trepidation, the sonographer thought she spotted a third! But thankfully it was just our two little ones cooking away and we got everything we ever wanted and more!

What are your key recommendations and advice for same-sex couples?

Try to find another couple or group in your area who have been through it. Look for LGBTQ parenting groups local to you on Facebook and ask them for clinic reviews, process reviews, and recommendations. In short, don’t be afraid to ask questions, lots of them, and seek advice at every stage.

How could clinics and the fertility services community improve your experiences?

I don’t feel that there is anything that could have improved our journey. Our experience here in the UK was very positive, unless they could make the egg collection process less painful!

What could change in terms of the law, society, attitudes and education to ensure that LGBTQ couples are catered for?

I think we’ve come a long way as a society to support LGBTQ individuals through the process of becoming families. I think a lot of work needs to continue to ensure we keep those rights, especially in today’s global political climate. I feel we need to do more work in schools to recognise and celebrate families that come in different shapes and sizes. For instance, a big thing for us has been finding nurseries where we know our children’s family will be respected and acknowledged as normal. Life is wonderful with the twins, but very busy and very tiring!

Thanks so much to Jess & Molly for sharing their experience. It is great to hear that it was so positive for them as a same-sex couple. The main point to take away from their answers was the need for more first-hand good quality information. In particular ICI vs. IVF in terms of applicability and likely success. We are so glad that fertility treatment worked out well for them and wish them all the best in raising their girls.