Miscarriage is generally considered a women’s issue. While it is far from uncommon in our society, open conversations surrounding the topic are rare. If anything, it is almost seen as taboo, or at least distasteful.
And that’s just for the women.
Yet despite men making up the other half of most couples they are almost totally ignored as victims of the tragedy of miscarriage.
Take the experience of Justin Salinger and his wife for instance.
The Californian couple had spent months imagining what and who their baby would become until the moment Justin’s wife, had a miscarriage. In an instant, those hopes and dreams were gone. Together, they wept. They cursed fate. And they grieved. …Together.
Yet Justin noticed something odd. When friends and family members showed up to support them in their time of need, he was ignored while they fussed around his wife. In his valley of sorrow, he felt totally alone.
Men are hurting too
Justin said, “When you have a miscarriage, there’s this idea that it’s not as real for the man because we’re not growing the baby inside of us. We’re conditioned not to express emotion and to give our wives space to feel grief and pain. The truth is that we’re hurting too.”
Of course, Justin is not the only man to experience this kind of isolation after a partner’s miscarriage.
This issue is the subject of a new book: ‘Men and Miscarriage: A Dad’s Guide to Grief, Relationships, and Healing After Loss’.
The book has been written by married partners who are no strangers to childbirth tragedy. Over the course of their marriage, authors Aaron and MJ Gouveia have weathered four miscarriages and a medically necessary abortion.
It’s important to note from the outset that Aaron is under no illusions about the allocation of the burden of grief within a partnership. He said, “I say this unequivocally: The person carrying the pregnancy has a tougher time with miscarriage because it’s happening to their bodies. That doesn’t mean there’s isn’t room to talk about men and non-carrying partners in this scenario. We need to move out of the shadows.”
This is an important perspective. Women are the ones carrying the feotus, so miscarriages are perceived to be biopsychosocial in nature. They affect the female biologically, psychologically and socially. However, that doesn’t mean that a man’s grief, which is psychosocial is unworthy of consideration.
So why is that male grief at miscarriage is often ignored?
Counsellors believe there are two reasons:
• toxic masculinity and age-old gender stereotypes. Essentially this comes down to the idea that male expression of emotion during unexpected turmoil is some sort of weakness and men must always be strong and stoic at such times
• men can often express grief and depression differently than women, typically by immersing themselves in distracting behaviors instead of seeking connections. For this reason, most counsellors agree that it’s important to make space for completely different emotions from each partner.
Another driver of the relationship dynamics in such a situation is that the male is grieving for two people: the loss of the child and the anguish of his female partner, which he is keen to address.
The Gouveias’ book takes this into account. Sharing their own experiences and incorporating a variety of interviews with other parents who have experienced miscarriage. The couple examine the shame and stigma associated with pregnancies that don’t go as planned. This allows us to understand more about why men don’t seek more opportunities to express their feelings when they experience the grief of miscarriage.
Am I allowed to grieve?
Speaking of his own experience Aaron said, “I literally didn’t know how to deal with it. I didn’t know if I was allowed to grieve. I didn’t know what grieving looked like. I didn’t know if it even mattered, since I was just the dad. And I was worried that if I talked about it with anyone, MJ or anyone, I would be a burden. So, I did what most men do in this situation. I soldiered on. That was not the thing to do.”
In addressing this, the couple have created a resource for all people struggling with the strain that reproductive issues put on relationships and the much-needed book has come in for plenty of praise from advocates in the area of miscarriage and parenting.
Whit Honea, author of The Parents’ Phrase Book wrote, “The Gouveias have experienced much in the way of love and heartbreak. In sharing their story together, it transcends beyond the telling, feeling more like a warm conversation open to all who have known a version of this sorrow. Their candor invites us to loosen the respective weight of our own emotional journey, to sit a spell and talk about it. It is real and relatable and the perfect read for anyone in search of comfort and empathy.”
‘Men and Miscarriage: A Dad’s Guide to Grief, Relationships, and Healing After Loss’ is available to buy now.
